I'm back!

So I haven’t been around lately and a lot has changed. I’ve found a man that I have fallen in love with and seem to be falling out of love with. I have a tendency to put others before me and this is a perfect example of that. I get my heart broken and I come running to my blog to talk it out but when things are going great I’m too happy to notice that I’m not fulfilling my needs. I’m not quite sure what I want from a man and this is why I get so upset. I don’t know my own expectations. I’m just learning as I go along but I think it’s time I figure out me before I get involved with someone again. I need to do things for myself; I need to be selfish like all the men I’ve dated are. They are teaching me something, maybe not in the best manner or even not on purpose but I have only notice more how selfish men can be. I want someone who will put me first, that won’t care if I need to eat a piece of bread in bed because I’m sick. I want someone who will let me lean on their shoulder even if they don’t want to hear about the drama in my family. I want someone I can talk to without feeling like a child. I want someone who can’t keep their hands or eyes off me, I want someone who will treat me like a trophy and show me off to everyone he knows. I want to be wined and dined. I want to always be on his mind. Now all these things are things that I need to do to get what I expect. Being ok with being treated badly only gives these men the green light to keep mistreating me. It’s time that I put my foot down and see who is REALLY willing to fight for me and my love. The only thing is that I know this one won’t be showing up on my doorsteps with flowers and an apology anytime soon. I guess all this is my fault because I’m still hoping for him to come sweep me off my feet even though I tell myself he won’t, I still get butterflies in my stomach and a lump in my throat every time the door opens or a car drives by. Obviously if he doesn’t fight for me then I don’t want him because that just shows that he never cared that much and me leaving him doesn’t even bother him. But that doesn’t mean that this doesn’t hurt. 

The difference between "love you" and "I love you"..... The type of relationship should determine the way love is expressed. So why do you always feel worse when you don't hear the one you want.

Who do you go to when there's no one there? Yourself. I need me, I just don't know who ME is. I need to find that person I once knew, I need to go back to square one and reevaluate. How do I do that when I'm not sure where to start or stop? I honestly miss myself the most, I miss who I was and who I wanted to be. My lifestyle now is not who I want to be. I was me and I lost her in a fire. I need to redeem myself before it's too late. Time for some rehabilitation. Where's that big red Easy button when you need it?

It sucks to realize that when you're drunk, there's no one to pick u up. My "friends" are with my ex and I'm at someones house that I don't know. Wide awake. I haven't had a regular sleeping pattern in almost three weeks. I'll stay up ALL night, wide awake. I'll sleep for a little bit during the day but I think not having him or his comfort at night is really fucking up my sleeping patterns. I miss him, I miss the comfort I felt when I was with him. I used to go to therapy for anxiety but once I started dating him I didn't feel anxious anymore. I felt safe and secure so I stopped going. Now that I don't have that safety, my anxiety is coming back and I'm scared of this feeling.

Sex Adict

I don't know how to act around him, should I be flirty? sexy? friendly? distant? How do you act different with someone that you always used to have a way of acting with them? I cuddled with him last night, it felt nice to be in his arms. I feel so different than everyone else, I'm always thinking about sex and things to do with sex and it scares me the way I'm so emotionally dependent on sex. It's not the person, it's more the act. I feel like a complete slut, but it's a secret between you and me, right? :) Sex makes me feel happy and centered, at the same time it's hard not to form connections with the people you engage with in sex. I'm still learning how to keep my feelings separated from the rest of my thought process. I want to be able to be detached in that sense, seems like I need a little more time.

Day One

I think of writing my words down as a form of therapy, except there's no fee. All I need is pen and paper....in this case, a keyboard and computer. :)  I am trying to mend a broken heart, I didn't know it would be this hard. I felt that maybe if it was hard for him it wouldn't be so hard for me. The only problem with that is that I can't know if it's hard for him, and if I did know I would feel his pain....on top of mine. He is a drug to me, I am completely addicted to his "attention". He is one of those guys that are completely obsessed with being popular, he refers to his friends as family, but when "family" starts to reach around 35 people you start to wonder what is really going on. I didn't know it at the time but he felt forced to be with me. I lost my virginity to him one drunken night and it went downhill fast from there. A year later and here I sit, my V card gone, and my heart rip out. Not only was he "forced" to commit to me, he said he felt "forced" into saying "I Love You". OUCH. A year of my life is gone, and he can't even give me the courtesy of his love?  I see that he is a jerk and he didn't deserve my love in the first place (even his mother tells me) but, a year is a long time to have a friend. Then one day it all ends and you're told that the whole relationship was a lie. So where's the truth? What is the explanation now? How do I go on with the bull shit friendships if they are all lies? Even my best friend is a liar, a fake, and a slut. Where can I find honesty and be honest towards myself if it's no where near me? Does that make me one of them, am I just like them and don't know or see it? And if I am, then how come there is no one telling me? I'm completely surrounded by fake lying incompetent children.