Day One

I think of writing my words down as a form of therapy, except there's no fee. All I need is pen and paper....in this case, a keyboard and computer. :)  I am trying to mend a broken heart, I didn't know it would be this hard. I felt that maybe if it was hard for him it wouldn't be so hard for me. The only problem with that is that I can't know if it's hard for him, and if I did know I would feel his pain....on top of mine. He is a drug to me, I am completely addicted to his "attention". He is one of those guys that are completely obsessed with being popular, he refers to his friends as family, but when "family" starts to reach around 35 people you start to wonder what is really going on. I didn't know it at the time but he felt forced to be with me. I lost my virginity to him one drunken night and it went downhill fast from there. A year later and here I sit, my V card gone, and my heart rip out. Not only was he "forced" to commit to me, he said he felt "forced" into saying "I Love You". OUCH. A year of my life is gone, and he can't even give me the courtesy of his love?  I see that he is a jerk and he didn't deserve my love in the first place (even his mother tells me) but, a year is a long time to have a friend. Then one day it all ends and you're told that the whole relationship was a lie. So where's the truth? What is the explanation now? How do I go on with the bull shit friendships if they are all lies? Even my best friend is a liar, a fake, and a slut. Where can I find honesty and be honest towards myself if it's no where near me? Does that make me one of them, am I just like them and don't know or see it? And if I am, then how come there is no one telling me? I'm completely surrounded by fake lying incompetent children.